Worst Albums Of All Time: An Opinion (by someone else)

Friend, cartoonist/humorist, San Franciscan and all around grumpy music snob guy Phil Fountain just listed his top worst albums on Facebook, complete with color commentary. I’ll post mine sometime soon, but thought I’d post his first to kind of, you know, cleanse the palate. Take it away, Phil!

This could get me punched in the nose, but I’m going to list the 10 worst records that I bought and wished I hadn’t… or heard over and over at friend’s houses or on the in-store playlist at good ol’ Licorice Pizza… records other people (whom I loved and admired) liked but I just couldn’t stand. In some cases, I’ve listed albums by artists whom I dearly love but got me to shell out for a clunker…

The Grand Illusion – Styx (aaarrrrghhhh!!!! Somebody strangle that little f*&#er!)

Frampton Comes Alive – Peter Frampton (I don’t care how much it sold, this is a shit album)

Saturday Night Fever – Soundtrack I personally sold this to thousands of people when I worked in record stores, and as I took their money I silently cursed them; praying for a pox upon their head and that they, DEAR GOD, PLEASE, didn’t procreate. I bet Sarah Palin lost her virginity to this record… when she was 9.

Saved – Bob Dylan People who know me know that I worship Zimmy… but this may be the worst record ever made. I don’t even think Jesus liked this album. And, f*#k, the cover art!

Death Of A Ladies Man – Leonard Cohen Lenny is my hero… but Phil Spector actually held a gun to his head and forced him to make this record. It has some redeeming value, I mean the lyrics are brilliant, of course, and Allen Ginsberg and Bob Dylan sing backup on Don’t Go Home With Your Hard On… thus being a single occasion when the three greatest Jewish poets sang together – but, otherwise this record is unlistenable.

Their Satanic Majesties Request – The Rolling Stones Sorry guys, this was puerile crap. A great blues-based, R&B, rock and roll band suddenly going all poofie psychedelic… when one of the best songs was written by Bill Wyman, you know you’re fucked. Yes, “She’s A Rainbow” was saved by Nicky Hopkins’ piano, but the rest was dredge.

Whatever The F*#k That Christopher Cross Album was Called – I refuse to even TRY to remember the name of that record. When I get in an elevator with this crap playing (and it always is) I pray the cable snaps and ends my misery.

All The Post-Peter Green Fleetwood Mac Records – Bob Welch was a pussy. He was a bigger pussy than Stevie Nicks, but not as big a pussy as Lindsey Buckingham. Somehow, a side effect of cocaine use was temporarily making you believe this was good stuff. If the government really cared about us, they would have legalized cocaine and banned Fleetwood Crap.

Paranoid – Black Sabbath – I swear to God, I bought this record, took it home, put the needle down and heard some brain-dead English wanker say, “I am the Iron Man…” three notes and I ripped it off the turntable and frisbeed it across the street into a telephone pole.

Never Mind The Bollocks – The Sex Pistols Heresy! How can I dis this historic record? Easy. It stunk. I know, it was supposed to stink, I get it… I got it… if you listened to it more than once then you’re probably a masochist. It was a joke, a bad joke, a statement as pretentious, arty and cute as any ever made… which was exactly the opposite of what it claimed to be… or was it? Whatever. Bad record. Although, it did prove the democracy of rock and roll… you didn’t really need to know how to play… attitude goes a long way, but we’re talking records here. Seriously, do you ever play it? Really? Do you put on Metal Machine Music too? Wow. That’s some serious shit.

KISS – I don’t know the names of any Kiss albums. That fact alone should merit my entry to Heaven.

Boston – If the band was named after a city or midwestern state (Chicago, Kansas, etc.) they have exposed themselves as unoriginal and pedestrian schlockmeisters. Again, I don’t care how many records they sold… people buy crap.

AC/DC – Sorry. Don’t get it. Don’t want it. In fact, if they have a shot for it, I’ll take it.

John “Cougar” Mellancamp, Bob Seger, et al. We have Bruce Springsteen. We don’t need you. Go away

. Pronounced Leh-nerd Skin-erd – Lynyrd Skynyrd – Not all plane crashes are bad. What’s that smell? The stench of every note these redneck dipwads ever played.

Madonna Records – I admire any chick who can sing with a ball gag in her mouth, but I don’t have to listen to her albums.

Sheik Yerbouti – Frank Zappa I don’t know… realizing that one of rock’s most brilliant minds and musical geniuses was content to make records for 13-year-old boys to snigger to was somewhat depressing. It was the guys in the Camaros and wearing heavy doses of Hai Karate who bought this record… the same guys Frank was poking fun at – the irony was great, but the subject matter was getting old and stale.

Do Ya Think I’m Sexy – Rod Stewart – This is exactly what the Sex Pistols were revolting against. Unfortunately, two wrongs…

The Gambler – Kenny Rogers – Kenny Rogers single-handedly killed Country & Western music. I know what he did wasn’t C&W, but people thought it was. Despicable.

Tequila Sunrise – The Eagles I’ve softened to this band over the years, but the reality of it was that they made arrogantly pretentious music to snort coke to… like the drug, pleasantly numbing but soulless… in retrospect I can sort of enjoy it, but I shouldn’t.

Cat Scratch Fever – Ted Nugent Why couldn’t he have been touring with Skynyrd and gone down in that plane too? I could go on and on… now, if I’ve offended you by naming some of your favorite albums… well, just consider the source. What do I know?

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